This poetry below was written a very long time ago and reflects me and my experiences at the time… love, loss, friendship, hope, despair, determination, and everything that filled the space between. My thoughts and feelings on most of the events and experiences that I had then have changed, in the time since. Life goes on and you learn and grow and see things more clearly in retrospect. But, I am leaving the writing as it originally was, because that was what I saw as my reality in those places and times and I do not want to forget the past. I choose to remember those times, to learn from them instead of reliving them.
Within
Learn
The Camera and the Golden Smile
The Blade
Your Love
If They Only Knew
The Day Grace Died
Your Dying Slave
Holding You & Remember
We Both Know
Still Moved
Heart Falls
Message on the Moon
So
The Chosen One
Within
"Written in 2002, during a very chaotic time in my life, friendships, and marriage.”
lost in thought, amidst chaos
a war raging within
i almost feel the life inside
fade into the din
of voices, drowning out heartbeats
which no one ever hears
my hand is held, my heart is far
how can i still seem near
i feel alone, as if i were
but there is no escape
the rock is hard, the place is cold
my soul endures the rape
with little more than quiet grief
breathed out in a sigh
my scream for help unheard beyond
the rubble of these lies
then something stirs, awakens me
conflicted soul aware
i turn to find you watching me
captured by your stare
i know, remember innocence
this is a dangerous game
a hope, a threat, a bond between
that only one can claim
though life and death are in the tongue
both dance within your eyes
unknown except to kindred ones
alone, who recognize
caught off guard, i stand naked
yet you don’t look away
your boldness scares yet comforts me
a dare for me to stay
i hold your gaze, a challenge thrown
i wonder if you know
the unshed tears, unspoken words
the places that i go
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Learn
"Written in the Spring of 2002 after a very long Winter.”
as your hand falls hard upon my face
bloody tears leave a bitter taste
the angry words become the waste
of time now standing still
your rage becomes my silent cross
my love for you becomes the cost
faith can blind me, almost lost
in the flesh and bone once filled
your words the weapon turned to art
to pierce defenses, wound my heart
the walls you see are torn apart
while others take their place
each word a brick, building a wall
to hide behind before i fall
memories of you still a haunting call
denying the truth that i face
with growing rage you tell me "learn"
the fire that warmed me once now burns
the love you treasured you now spurn
and i am left alone
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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The Camera and the Golden Smile
"Written in 1997 when reflecting on the past and future.”
the fall turned into winter
and the battle still raged on
i found myself looking everywhere
for the part of me that was gone
and when you walked into my life
you did not understand
you thought that you would conquer me
with one touch of your hand
so you kissed me by the statue
as the rain poured down that night
and i felt myself return again
that must have been quite a sight
and i chose between you and the others
but i didn't tell you the truth
because i was struggling for higher ground
while you were still clinging to youth
and i knew we completed each other
though we did put each other through hell
and i told you that you didn't know me at all
but the truth was you knew me too well
so i was the one with the camera
and you with the golden smile
and we found our way through the hard times
though the rings and the vows took awhile
and now as i wake up each morning
i feel your body covering me
and my heart, which once was wandering
has found a home where i am free
and a soul that once was lost and torn
has finally found a peace
as your love brought new life to me
that once seemed beyond my reach
and i fall asleep in your arms each night
still holding onto your cross
so grateful for the grace God gave
though sometimes saddened by our loss
so in all of the passion, love, and joy
through all of the longing and past
i know the seasons will always come and go
but this love that we share will still last
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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The Blade
"Written in the Summer of 2000 in memory of the Winter and Spring of 2000."
you kiss me
and the blade of your indifference
twists deeper in my soul
your nearness to me
crushes me into powder
that you snort like an addict
you search me for comfort
like a blind man trying to see
I feel the heaviness of your need
with the pain of my own
and I realize without words
that you are a dead man
who is slowly killing me
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Your Love
"Written in the Spring of 2000 while waiting for my friend Adam D'Albero, in a park in Salem, Oregon.”
your love is as comforting
as snow falling on my naked skin
my love would comfort you
like the conscience does in sin
our love is as full and sweet
as a moon that is eclipsed
and our future is as long past
as my tears for you will last
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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If They Only Knew
"Written during the early winter of 1993 for a friend... who knows why.”
if they only knew your fragile heart
tender, hurting, torn
if they only knew the real beauty
behind the masks you've worn
if they only knew the hidden pain
of living their own lie
if they only knew the burden bourne
that their hopes would not die
if they only knew the tears you cried
your struggle to break free
if they only knew the battles fought
the silent victories
if they only knew the freedom found
in surrender to the truth
if they only knew that you are not bound
to the yesterdays of youth
if they only knew... you
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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The Day Grace Died
"Written in 1998 after my unborn child died, unexpectedly. Although that pregnancy was not far enough along to tell, I always thought that I was carrying a baby girl and planned to name her Grace Elizabeth. So, this poem is in her memory.”
the day grace died was the day i lost
the world inside of me
as one heart stopped the life stood still
as spirit and soul broke free
the day grace died was the day love cried
in silence to her God
as her body bled and her heartbeat told
the story that she could not
the day grace died was the day i learned
what true love truly means
holding inside what my body did not
the memory of you in me
the day grace died was the day i stopped
fighting what was true
surrendering to a higher will
by sacrificing me and you
the day grace died was the day i chose
what loyalty was mine
and placed lost faith in the hands of One
my eyes cannot define
the day grace died was the day i buried
hope and faith inside
and in her death was the loss and birth
of the world seen through my eyes
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Your Dying Slave
"Written during one of the darkest times in my life during a time that I do not remember except in scattered memories… so sometime between January and April of 2002."
yes, i hear your words...
i live for every one.
of course that is not sarcasm;
i have learned to hold my tongue.
do i still have a voice, you ask?
you tell me... do i, now?
you constantly demand my silence...
i have forgotten if speech is allowed.
why do you ask why i am so quiet,
as if you give me a true choice?
i am punished for my honesty,
until words abandon their voice;
to simply speak becomes a battleground
that is no longer worth the cost.
when my soul is taken prisoner,
with myself, my love is lost.
sometimes i think that silence
will one day become the grave
of a heart forced to stay hidden...
my love becomes your dying slave.
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Holding You & Remember
"Written in the Spring of 2000, while sitting alone in my old home in Salem, Oregon.”
alone in a house full of memories
she sits in silence and prays
for the will to make it through the nights
and strength to face the days
and all the words of comfort
ring so hollow in her ears
when time only reminds her
of the reasons for her tears
and truth is what you are left with
when there is nothing left to hold
but past promises of silver
and heartaches made of gold
so when you're lying somewhere wanting
just one touch, one word of hope
remember what i told you
when the bond between us broke
and when you reach and you find nothing
to hold onto tonight
know that He is holding you
and that is worth the fight
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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We Both Know
"Another poem that was scrawled in a notebook when I was sitting in my car alone one night, in the Summer of 2000, in Oregon.”
i love the way that you love me
you speak nothing that is not real
because your lies tell truths about you
that your silence voices still
your eyes still burn with fire
when you call mine ocean blue
but your words don't cut so deeply
though your heart is now untrue
you tell me that i don't deserve you
i just say "you're right, i don't..."
and i promise that i will leave you
but we both know that i won't
so i whisper "God help me, i love him…
in Your hands with needs we fall."
and i feel Your grace and mercy rain
You are faithful through it all
now there is comfort in the knowing
perhaps moreso than being known
and a passion bound by tenderness
where only thorns had grown
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Still Moved
"Written in 2002 on the back of an envelope, while sitting in the car at a gas station somewhere in Arizona, waiting to get back on the road.”
this is my life
hopelessly united with turmoil
endlessly longing for more
reach inside of me to find
a shadow of your memory
permeating and violating
everything that once was true
misery betrays the mask
you still believe to be... me
somewhere beyond you and i
others search to find the secret
undone, crushed into wine
love leaves us
still moved
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Heart Falls
"Written in 1999 while waiting at a stoplight at the bridge over the river, near my home in Oregon.”
you look my way, and my heart falls
you say my name, and my heart falls
you kiss my lips, and my heart falls
you are, and my heart falls
you look away, and my heart falls
you say goodbye, and my heart falls
you walk away, and my heart falls
you are gone, and my heart falls
you look back, and my heart falls
you turn and return, and my heart falls
you make it right, and my heart falls
you are mine, and my heart falls
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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Message on the Moon
"Written for someone who was (and is) better off without me.”
my thoughts still bridge the distance
that my heart cannot ignore
i find myself still bound to you
the key to this locked door
and time does not erase the depth
of oceans born inside
without you there is a longing
that i cannot seem to hide
and looking into the sky at night
i reach out for your touch
though you are far away for now
i miss you so damn much
i hold so much inside of me
my silence is the shield
to guard passion within me
this heart will never yield
i don't know how this happened
it was never meant to be
yet my heart still wanders to you
when i realize that i am free
i fear for loving you too much
though i have much to give
so share this time with me, my friend
in the moments that we live
when the night is dark and hours long
and tears are in your eyes
have faith in love and truth, divine
please look into the sky
and know that you are loved by me
no one will take your place
i write this message on the moon
to shine down upon your face
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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So
"Written in the Fall of 2000.”
so you can look into my eyes
and see me for who I am
you can make me laugh, and make me cry
that doesn't make you him
you can tell me my own thoughts
when I haven't said a word
you watch my lips intently
especially when I don't speak
but you still don't understand
and you choose your words so carefully
as if they were a poem
and you sigh because I listen
but still look away
is he reflected in my eyes
or are you lost in them again
and you know that my words are true
even as you deny them
and all of the truth held in your words
will never be enough
to capture my heart or set it free
you don't even realize that I see you fall
I know that it wounds you when I say his name
not because it is his, but because I am
when you look away I almost pity you
but I don't... I can't
when you dare to speak your peace
I study you with arrogant indifference
I want you, need you to hate me
you can't see that it is safer than loving me
I know that your love runs deep, rings true
so I smile despite myself, hiding tears
until you are silenced by my distance
that will give you something to hold onto
through the long hard night, my tender friend
the irony is bittersweet to me
you bear the cross on my ring
knowing that I will not take it off
because I will stay with the one I love
and that keeps me free
now you know love... it is bittersweet me
you study me in the twilight
and I look into your mind, unlocked
as you search my eyes for my heart
and I want to look away from you
but that will tell truths that must remain
hidden in the book of the past
I see you thinking that I am unmoved by you
and your love for me leaves no question
of my loyalty to him, or yours to me
that creates within me a comforting grief
a sorrow that seeps into the cup of strength
I hear my voice, smooth and dark and low
in the stirring wind, a defiant shield
"you are just pieces of him that believe
that he is just pieces of you."
as you falter from the arrows' pierce
I fly away once again, to the freedom chains
fighting for the lifeblood of commitment
gasping for the breath of precious faith
knowing that he alone is my heart
you don't know this heart like him
he has seen all that you do and more
so don't look at me as so damn precious
don't cherish me, adore me, long for me
know that I am the fire that you cling to
and I will burn you, please believe
my tears are for him, not you... as am i.
you know that already, so why do you stay
when you worship and resent the smile
that only he can bring to my lips
because it hurts and heals me
as only he can
this vulnerable imperfection
in being loved but unneeded
and needed but unloved
this silent strength, resilience
in being moved so deeply yet unmoved
you adore me for reality
and my grace vexes you as your love vexes me
and we both know that I will walk away
you call my marriage sacred
and your fierce passion wins my mind
the way that he still wins my heart
with just a look, a touch, a whispered word
the way that my will wins the battle
between this heart and mind, so torn
I look into your eyes and see pieces of him
that will never be enough to complete me
as you look into my eyes and see pieces of me
that will never cease to be enough
to complete you
it must cut to know already
what never feels like, now
as I watch you become... me
and I realize that she
is not really me, after all
the sweet relief is a bitter truth
that you don't see, or want to
how can you know so damn much of me
yet still not understand my choice
you treasure the shimmers of beauty in me
but let them fall through your hands
unrecognized for their raw truth
and the price that reality demands
I never will forget
you never can replace
I never will stop fighting
you never will erase
the sweet wet warmth of
his lips on mine
with our bodies entwined
the soft knowing discovery
understanding
the mystery
of marriage
defended
at all costs
even you and your love
my will, my choice, me
so
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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The Chosen One
This poem is unfinished and unpolished.
"But if I say, 'I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name,' then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; and I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it." Jeremiah 20:9.
still standing in the unseen depths of you
is the dwelling place of enduring truths
found only in places that you no longer go
hidden on paths now covered by snow
passion and purpose are kept captive inside
a nakedness that you force yourself to hide
woven through the heart of your memories
revealed in the peace that can set you free
feared lost in a past that betrays your heartcry
shame imprisons your soul, so you refuse to try
you stay haunted by truths you deny in choice
for time cannot silence the pure, strong voice
the cost of living a lie takes the harshest toll
in the unspoken words of your longing soul
your vision and calling burn like undying flame
even through silence, He still calls your name
now the indelible mark of His blood still stains
as do eyes filled with love, beyond His own pain
though betrayed with a kiss and averted eyes
piercing far deeper than the blade in His side
your regret fills your mind, leaving you lost and torn
a once intimate bond becomes your crown of thorns
so surrender becomes victory in this epic fight
a beautiful dawn after the longest of nights
yet chosen and knowing, you stay a prodigal son
the chosen one… who still chooses to run
Copyright ©2006 Margaret Ann Schaaf
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